I guess my first response would be, what is it that they are doing with it? What urge are they fulfilling when they find a household object that mum and dad don’t want them to have? Children develop at all different times and in their own way but what is fairly consistent amongst all children as they grow, is the fact that they develop urges based on their developmental stage. 

When we provide children with toys that we assume they will like, we may not be meeting their developmental needs. Often toys have a right or wrong way to play with it. It either makes a sound because you push a button, or moves because the batteries make it go, or a shape sorter where you have to know shapes and how to manipulate your hands and fingers to achieve the goal. There is nothing wrong with any of these toys, they certainly keep children entertained and when the right skill set is learnt, they can be great. But let’s look at why children love to climb over to a bookshelf and pull all the books off, only to crawl away and play with something else! Their urge to do this is based on deconstruction. To learn how to construct something, a child must first understand how to deconstruct. Ever made a tower of blocks only for your child to push it over before you get your last one on top? Or worse your older child has spent ages creating an amazing world of magnets or blocks, for their younger sibling to come and knock it to the ground? You would be forgiven for thinking that this is the urge to annoy you! It’s not. Although it could also be cause and effect there is no malice from a child who is still learning. 

Open ended toys are things that have no right or wrong way to be used. They have multiple ways of being played with depending on how you set up the environment. Adding different objects alongside open ended toys gives the child the ability to create their own play and live out their urges. Think of an open container and a basket full of pegs. Add an empty paper towel roll and immediately they are able to post an item down the roll, or fill the container and tip it out again. 

The other response to this question is around why, when there is a toy remote on the floor with full permission to use, your child insists on grabbing the real remote?! It’s simple. They see the real remote in your hand being used. It is no longer static and immobile on the floor. It’s moving around in your hand, making something happen and they are told “no” when they go to grab it.  Now they really want it! Equally when wondering why you can give a child a toy, and they go and take a toy off another child instead. Same concept. The toy in the other child’s hand is moving, it’s alive in their eyes, looks fun and way better than the one you’ve given them. 

Creating a yes environment in your home for a child who is learning to crawl will set you up for less supervision and more observation. Observation is key for knowing what your child is capable of and what they are interested in. Although it can be your first instinct to “baby proof” your home, you can live in harmony while allowing your child to freely explore. This exploration is important to their development. They have an urge to move, to explore, and experiment. Little scientists is often a term you’ll see for children. Climbing under a table or through the legs of a chair can show them about spatial awareness, lots of room on the floor gives them opportunity to get to know their body. Of course a yes environment means removing things that aren’t safe, locking kitchen cupboards where cleaning products are kept and ensuring that furniture is safely anchored to the wall. Lots of communication is important and following up if you do need to say no as to why. Even young babies who are not yet communicating will begin to understand and you are also creating positive habits of communication. Rather than distraction try redirection. If they try to play with something that is not appropriate, show them what they can play with. Yes it takes patience and consistency but it also the beginning of a beautiful relationship that will continue on into the toddler years and beyond. There are always going to be areas within the house that are out of bounds so setting up restrictions in the form of safety gates where pet food or stairs may be for example is creating clear boundaries.

Here is a link to a list that covers urges. Pennie Brownlee is a leader in ECE that has some great  resources that you can look at. She says it like it is! https://penniebrownlee.weebly.com/uploads/1/0/4/3/10437917/urges_list.pdf

Loose parts is another way of offering toys. Rather than a corner full of toys, strategically place baskets of multiple objects that are the same. On a coffee table, at the end of a sofa, behind the couch… anywhere where your little person is likely to explore. Just like when the toys are static and less interesting, so too can a corner of toys be less inviting. Basic household items such as coffee coasters, plastic containers, pegs, fabric, pencil cases with zips… can all be fantastic toys for your child. 

Treasure baskets are a great option for when you have something to do and need baby to be in one spot. Heuristic play is where lots of real life objects are put into a basket. Save this up and bring it out when you need it. Children explore through all their senses, so putting things in their mouth is normal, it is how they learn about the world around them. Make it safe and then let them be. 

The developmental stage of becoming mobile can be scary for new parents, but as with most growth stages it is an important part of your child learning who they are and their place in this world. 

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Why do children play with anything and everything that isn’t a toy?

It can be a big decision when finding the right care for your child. I believe that small group sizes benefit infants and young children. Children are able to form a close relationship with their kaiako (teacher) which is integral to their health and wellbeing. The first 1000 days, in particular, of your child’s life is a time where relationships are everything. Here, I have put together a few questions you might like to ask when you visit different Centres and/or homebased providers. 

## Values

We believe whānau should be supported with care as they raise their children. The three underlying principles of a kaupapa should be love, care and respect. It is important to know that the teachers caring for your child are also well cared for.

## Questions to ask

Asking the following questions on visits may be insightful, you should then always listen to your heart.

- What ratios of teacher/child do you provide?
- Is this still the ratio when teachers are on a break or non-contact?
- What number of children is the room licensed for?
- How long have the teachers been employed for? (high staff turnover can be an indication of unsupported teachers)
- Do you provide primary care/key teachers for infants and toddlers? (a special person that gets to know you and your child well so that they can anticipate and listen to the needs and wants of your child).
- What do transition visits look like? (both for settling when first starting and then when they change rooms)

Take a look around and notice if children are engaged in play. This is going to be your child's home away from home. Is it somewhere you would like to spend your day?

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Questions to ask potential childcare centres

## “Guilt Free Bottle Feeding”. I eventually stopped and she went onto formula. I really wish that it hadn’t been such a hard decision as I was exhausted and felt like I just needed a break. I wondered when I’d bond with my baby. Well, things took an interesting turn and I got my break - three weeks in hospital with a collapsed lung. Not what I had meant when saying out loud that “I just need a break”. Endometriosis had made it’s way to my diaphragm. This is my story.

The memory of being in tears and saying “I just need a break” is etched in my mind forever. I had longed for this baby for so long, loved my pregnancy, even loved giving birth, loved being told by my GP who delivered my daughter that I was made for having babies I’d had such a quick recovery. 

After the first few weeks of trying to breastfeed my first born and things feeling really hard, I decided to stop and went completely to formula. Life began to feel easier. No longer was I scared when getting ready to feed and we also welcomed another baby into the family. My sister-in-law and I had been expecting at the same time. In fact I gave birth three weeks early and my nephew came one week late. We lived around the corner from one another and my parents were around a lot with now having two grand babies. 

I remember sitting on the lounge floor giving my daughter her bottle. My back was aching but I assumed it was from the new posture of feeding and looking at baby. After about a week I decided to go to the Physio as the pain I felt when bending over to  pick something up was like nothing else I’d ever felt before. It was like a jarring in my back and ribs and I was beginning to be a bit wheezy. 

I went to my Physio and he did some mild manipulation on my back. He noted my breathing and suggested I go see the dr. I walked across the hallway and asked the receptionist if I could be seen. Half an hour later a lovely GP called me in. I had my daughter in her capsule and had been carrying her around in it, as you do. 

The dr listened to my chest and back and said “Jay, I’m just going to ask another Dr to have a listen. I’m walked my GP who five weeks earlier had delivered my baby. He listened to my chest and looked at me and said “oh Jay, you have a collapsed lung”. I was like what the heck?! He continued saying we should really call an ambulance but can someone come pick you up and take you to hospital? My husband was in Wellington for work and so I called a work mate and asked if she’d come take me to hospital. I asked if I could use a room to feed baby and change her nappy and then waited for my friend. 

It was so surreal arriving at hospital, being taken for a chest X-ray and being admitted to a ward. Hubby got in the first flight home and was with me in a couple hours time. As soon as he arrived I had a chest drain inserted and the next three weeks were spent in hospital hoping that the drain would resolve the pneumothorax which it didn’t and I ended up having surgery. 

It was honestly the worst experience I have ever been through. Worse than childbirth. I could barely hold my baby for fear of her ripping out the tubes and she could have stayed with me but there was no support for when I needed to get her out of a bassinet to feed. The decision was made for her to stay at home with her Dad which of course was a crash course in parenting. She came up once a day for me to see her and often the nurses would come in to my room to see me bawling my eyes out, my hospital gown soaked in breastmilk which was still occasionally producing. The emotions were high and PND was super close. With the love and support from my mum and dad and husband as well as amazing friends who helped where they could the three weeks passed and I was ready to be discharged. 

It seemed like a good idea at the time (now I have no idea why) but it was suggested I spend a couple nights at Mothercraft (maternal mental health support) to adjust to being back with my baby. I hated it. I felt so alone and rang my mum at 6am the next morning to pick me up. It’s important to note that it just wasn’t where I needed to be. I needed my husband and my home. I’ve since had friends use the service and it’s been life saving. 

Life began to find its new normal and I fell in love with my girl. The fear of feeding was gone and I recovered and began to feel healthy again. Ironically it was stopping the breastfeeding that caused my lung to collapse. Over the next year, every time I menstruated my lung would ever so slightly collapse. Sometimes it would show on an X-ray, sometimes it wouldn’t. But I got to know my lungs extremely well! I did lots of research and discovered a condition called Catamenial Pneumothorax. Endometriosis (which I had already been diagnosed with in my bowel and bladder) had travelled to my diaphragm. 

The condition was so unknown in NZ in the early 2000’s it took a lot of shouting on my part to get the gynaecologist and the respiratory specialist to talk to one another. Finally one of the months where I was admitted I was seen by a specialist doing ward rounds. He agreed with my self diagnosis and from there it was taken to the Round Table of medical specialists and I was put on medication. 

When planning for our second baby there was the possibility of another collapse but thankfully I conceived pretty quickly and all was ok. Giving birth to my son was done without any pain relief so that I could feel my lungs throughout. I’m one of the crazy ones and I still loved giving birth. Such an amazing experience. My son was born healthy and only one week early and breastfeed straight away. Not a single hard day or ounce of pain - I couldn’t believe the difference! 

10 years later my lung gave up and the surgery gave way. I underwent open surgery and submitted my final paper of my early childhood degree while in hospital. This experience was nothing in comparison to the first time. It just goes to show the intense affect that post natal hormones has your mind and heart. 

In writing this I seem to have covered a few different topics but the gist of my story is that my experience has made me who I am today. The reason I understand how hard it is having a newborn and the empathy I have with new parents. It also highlights that “this too shall pass” (my mums favourite saying) which in the midst of stress, anxiety and exhaustion doesn’t help but is certainly true. 

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“I just need a break!”


I can’t tell you how long I’d been waiting for a baby (actually I used to pray for one when I was 10). My husband I decided to travel first and so I was in my late 20’s when we decided to try. My first baby arrived at 37 weeks. The birth went well and baby was healthy with mild jaundice. I had baby placed on my chest straight away and offered her the breast too. 

My two night stay in Waterford went well and I went home happy. I can’t actually remember what day it was but all of a sudden my nipples started getting sore. Baby was sleepy and I was told to wake her to feed every three hours. The problem was that she was so sleepy she would barely open her mouth. She’d latch but not properly and I’d get scared and pull her off.  Things got significantly harder and I began to get upset knowing I’d need to feed her soon. 

What felt like forever was actually about two weeks. There were so many tears that I’d have to call my husband to hold her hand out of the way so that I could wipe my tears with my hand. I tried expressing but my nipples were so damaged that the milk came out looking like strawberry milkshake. At one point after a bath I lay my baby down to dry her and she turned her head and brought up blood. I screamed and panicked and my sister in law called 111. My husband came in and assessed the situation calmly and saw that it was her spilling milk that was filled with my blood. 

Even after this scare I felt such an enormous pressure to breastfeed.  I spent hours expressing over the next week. Spent hours crying about the sense of failure and a growing anger that I felt bad for considering formula. I even went to the local library and found a book called “Guilt Free Bottle Feeding”. I eventually stopped and she went onto formula. I really wish that it hadn’t been such a hard decision as I was exhausted and felt like I just needed a break. I wondered when I’d bond with my baby. Well, things took an interesting turn and I got my break - three weeks in hospital with a collapsed lung. Not what I had meant when saying out loud that “I just need a break”. Endometriosis had made it’s way to my diaphragm. But that’s a whole other story!

A year later, and now happily enjoying my gorgeous girl, I became pregnant with my second baby. With the experience of trying to breastfeed with my daughter, you may think that I wouldn’t want to try again. But by this stage I had realised that some babies just don’t know how to latch. She was a sleepy, three week early baby and I was a first time mum. 

So my second baby, a boy, was born with very much a similar birth experience. I’m one of the crazy ones that enjoy giving birth! My boy latched immediately and you know what… not one sore nipple… ever. I was amazed. I just assumed that even if he did feed I’d still go through the pain of cracked nipples. I fed him till he was eight months old. 

So both my kids had natural and easy births. My daughter was much smaller than my son (who arrived one week early) but the journey through breastfeeding was entirely different. It’s meant that I can empathise with mums who struggle while acknowledging that breast milk has amazing benefits shown through research. However, my children are both healthy, both caught the same amount of daycare bugs in their first couple years, and now you’d never be able to tell who was or wasn’t breastfed. 

The point of sharing my story is that if you can do it then great… but if you can’t, you haven’t failed. You are no less of a mum and your mental health and well-being matters too. 

There are some awesome places you can access help from if you want to continue to breastfeed, but please, do what’s best for you. Becoming a mum has plenty of challenges as it is and just because you can’t feed one baby doesn’t mean you never will. 

I hope this helps those who are struggling to ask for help to have the courage to do what’s best for their family; and for those who haven’t found it hard, to understand and have empathy for those who bottle feed. 

Jay x 

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My personal journey of breastfeeding

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Why do children play with anything and everything that isn’t a toy?

Questions to ask potential childcare centres

“I just need a break!”

My personal journey of breastfeeding