## When Breastfeeding Hurts: My Story of Feeding, Struggle, and Finding What Worked for Us

By Jay Fowles

My husband and I decided to travel before starting a family, so I was in my late 20s when we felt ready to take that next step. Our first baby arrived slightly early, at 37 weeks. The birth was smooth, and our beautiful girl was healthy, with just a touch of jaundice. She was placed on my chest right away, and I offered her the breast—just as I’d hoped to.

We spent two nights in Waterford, and everything felt like it was going well. I was happy. But then, sometime after we got home—I'm not even sure what day it was—my nipples began to hurt. A lot.

My baby was very sleepy. I was told to wake her every three hours for a feed, but even when she stirred, she could barely open her mouth. She’d latch, but not well. I’d panic, knowing it wasn’t right, and pull her off. Every feed became something I dreaded. My nipples were raw. I called my husband to help—just so I could wipe away tears while trying to latch her on again.

It felt endless, but in truth it lasted around two weeks. Still, those two weeks were full of tears, frustration, and fear. I tried expressing, but my nipples were so damaged that the milk looked like strawberry milkshake. And still, I kept going, because the pressure to breastfeed felt enormous.

I was exhausted, emotionally and physically. I spent hours expressing, crying, and battling this deep sense of failure. The guilt for even *considering* formula was overwhelming. I remember going to the local library and finding a book called *Guilt-Free Bottle Feeding*—and I sobbed just reading the title.

Eventually, after a lot of soul-searching and desperation, I stopped. We switched to formula. And while I still carried the guilt for a while, I now look back and think: I wish someone had told me sooner that it was OK. That my baby would grow to be happy, healthy, and thriving on formula. That I wasn’t failing. That feeding should never be this traumatic—for mum or baby.

I wish I had known that making the best decision for both of us, even if it wasn’t what I’d originally planned, was *not* giving up—it was showing up.

A year later, while happily enjoying my gorgeous daughter, I became pregnant again. You might think, after that first experience, I’d be hesitant to try breastfeeding again. But I had learned so much. I now knew that sometimes, it’s not about you doing something “wrong”—some babies just struggle to latch. My daughter was early, sleepy, and I was a first-time mum, trying to figure everything out.

My second baby, a boy, arrived with a similar birth—natural, uncomplicated. He latched immediately. And you know what? Not one sore nipple. I was amazed. I’d assumed pain was part of the package. But he fed well from the start, and I was able to breastfeed him for eight months.

Both of my babies had gentle births. My daughter, three weeks early, was tiny. My son, one week early, was bigger. And yet, their feeding journeys were completely different. That experience taught me to hold both empathy *and* perspective.

Yes, breast milk has incredible benefits. But both my children are thriving. They caught the same bugs in daycare. They both grew strong and healthy. You couldn’t tell now which one was breastfed and which one wasn’t.

So here’s why I’m sharing my story: if you’re able to breastfeed and it works for you—wonderful. But if it’s not working, if it’s harming your mental health, or if it’s just not right for your family—you are not failing. You are *not* less of a mum. You’re doing what’s best for you and your baby, and that takes courage.

There’s great support out there if you want to continue breastfeeding—but please, trust yourself. Your wellbeing matters. And just because one feeding journey is difficult doesn’t mean the next one will be.

To those who are struggling: I see you. Be gentle with yourself. Ask for help. Know that formula feeding is not the opposite of love—it can *be* love, too.

And to those for whom feeding came more easily: please hold space for those who’ve had to walk a harder path. A little empathy goes a long way.

With love,
Jay x


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My personal journey of breastfeeding

## Weeks 6–10: Settling In, Waking Up, and Finding Your Rhythm

The first six weeks of life with your pēpi are often filled with snuggles, sleepless nights, and many (many!) feeds. At this stage, their tiny tummy grows rapidly—from the size of a marble to about a golf ball in just 10 days. Frequent, small feeds help support this growth and keep them comfortable.

By now, you’ve likely spent countless hours learning each other's rhythms. Life as a new māmā is beautiful—but it’s also a huge shift, both emotionally and physically. You may find yourself having thoughts or feelings that are hard to explain, and that’s okay. You’re not alone.

#### A New Kind of Awareness

Around six weeks, something magical begins to happen: your pēpi starts to “wake up” to the world. You might notice them becoming more alert, gazing at you intently, or even recognising your voice. To them, *you are their safe place*. With this growing awareness, however, can come a greater need for closeness. They might resist their bassinet, crave more contact naps, and be harder to settle. This is all part of the journey—and totally normal.

Wraps and front packs can be your best friends during this phase, especially fabric carriers that hold them snugly against your chest. They’re ideal for calming unsettled pēpi, especially during those late afternoon hours. Contact naps can be a sanity-saver for both of you. 

#### Settling Techniques and Soothing Tips

Sometimes, pēpi just need movement. Gentle squats while holding them, bouncing on a Swiss ball, or wearing them in a front pack can all help soothe a fussy baby. These motions remind them of the womb and can help settle an overstimulated nervous system.

If your pēpi is struggling with wind, reflux, or colic, you’re not alone—these are all very common as their digestive system develops. While most babies grow out of it, don’t hesitate to check in with your GP if you’re concerned or feel your baby is in pain.

#### Feeding Realities

Whether you’re breastfeeding, bottle feeding, or somewhere in between—it’s all okay. Breastfeeding can take time, and it’s normal to face challenges. If you’re struggling or feel that something’s not right, reach out for support. And remember: *fed is best*. If your pēpi or your own wellbeing is suffering, offering a bottle is not a failure. Although it can feel like a huge decision, it may be the right one for you and your pēpi. 

#### Sleep: What’s Normal?

Sleep might still feel unpredictable—and that’s expected. Wake windows at this age are usually around 45 minutes to 1.5 hours and include feeding, nappy changes, play, and cuddles. As pēpi grows and becomes more alert, these windows will gradually stretch out. But it’s important to watch *your* baby, not just the clock. Some babies show tiredness through fussiness or being overly active—know their cues and respond gently.

If naps become harder, try simplifying the sleep environment: darker rooms, less stimulation, and white or brown noise can make a big difference. Noise machines can help block out household noise, but they don’t need to follow you everywhere.

#### Brain Development and Early Learning

From weeks 6–10, your baby’s brain is growing at an incredible rate. They’re beginning to focus more clearly and watch your face as you speak. This is a perfect time to introduce early learning through *connection*. Talking, reading, singing, and using rich language in your everyday routines helps pēpi form essential brain connections.

Even if it feels a bit awkward, speak to your baby during nappy changes, while you’re dressing them, or during feeds. Reading aloud is another beautiful way to build connection—and it’s a wonderful way for pāpā to bond too, especially if speaking to a baby doesn’t come naturally to him at first.

#### Play: Simple Is Best

Play at this stage is about *sensory exploration*, not stimulation overload. A safe floor space with a few interesting textures, toys they can grasp, or objects to visually explore is perfect. Time on their back helps develop muscles and coordination, and you’ll start to notice that everything ends up in their mouth—which is just another way they explore and learn.

#### Relationships and Support

The beginning of this stage often marks the end of midwife visits, which can feel like a sudden shift. You may feel unsure or overwhelmed—that’s normal. Lean on your support network, whether it's a partner, friend, or community group.

Your relationship with your partner may also be adjusting. You’re both navigating huge changes, and communication is key. You may parent differently—and that’s okay. What matters most is that you stay connected on the things that matter to you both.

Remember, you and your pēpi are learning together. There is no “perfect” way to do things—only what works for you and your whānau. Trust your instincts, be gentle with yourself, and take it one moment at a time. You're doing better than you think. 

If you're navigating these early weeks and finding it overwhelming, you're not alone—and you don’t have to do it alone either. At Grace & Aroha, I offer support as a Postnatal Doula and Parent Guide, walking alongside you through the emotional, physical, and practical shifts of new parenthood. Whether it's guidance around settling, feeding, sleep, or simply having someone to hold space for you, I’m here to offer care grounded in grace, aroha, and connection. Your journey matters—let's walk it together. 💛

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6-8 Week Guide

It can be a big decision when finding the right care for your child. I believe that small group sizes benefit infants and young children. Children are able to form a close relationship with their kaiako (teacher) which is integral to their health and wellbeing. The first 1000 days, in particular, of your child’s life is a time where relationships are everything. Here, I have put together a few questions you might like to ask when you visit different Centres and/or homebased providers. 

## Values

We believe whānau should be supported with care as they raise their children. The three underlying principles of a kaupapa should be love, care and respect. It is important to know that the teachers caring for your child are also well cared for.

## Questions to ask

Asking the following questions on visits may be insightful, you should then always listen to your heart.

- What ratios of teacher/child do you provide?
- Is this still the ratio when teachers are on a break or non-contact?
- Do all kaiako know my child so that when their key teacher is out of the room, they still feel safe?
- How do you let me know about their day? Some Centres provide communication books for young babies. 
- What number of children is the room licensed for?
- How long have the teachers been employed for? (high staff turnover can be an indication of unsupported teachers)
- Do you provide primary care/key teachers for infants and toddlers? (a special person that gets to know you and your child well so that they can anticipate and listen to the needs and wants of your child). Whānau approach is similar where they still have a key teacher, but once baby is comfortable their care routine can be done by other kaiako.
- What do transition visits look like? (both for settling when first starting and then when they change rooms)
- Can my infants routine be followed?

Take a look around and notice if children are engaged in play. This is going to be your child's home away from home. Is it somewhere you would like to spend your day?

On your visits, take the time to be with your child while talking with their new teachers. This allows your child to see that you feel comfortable and they too will soon learn that it is a safe space. Try not to force them into playing until they are ready. It is better that they see your connection with kaiako develop rather than expecting this to happen quickly for them. 

Sometimes it is best to choose a Centre close to your work. Inevitably there will be some illness as your child builds up their immunity. A quick pick up is less stressful than a long drive from work!

Get to know the policies (these should be easily accessible) so that you can be proactive in knowing how to respond to illness. Giving your child an extra day at home to recover will support their wellbeing rather than going back into a group environment before they are ready. This is also true when you feel like they're fine at home but then get a call from their kaiako to pick up. Group care is different and your child may just need more 1:1 time before they're ready to get back.

Get to know the kaiako well so that you feel confident to bring up any issues or discussions that may arise. Kaikao enjoy getting to know you as a person and this will support a smooth entry into childcare.

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Questions to ask potential childcare centres

I guess my first response would be, what is it that they are doing with it? What urge are they fulfilling when they find a household object that mum and dad don’t want them to have? Children develop at all different times and in their own way but what is fairly consistent amongst all children as they grow, is the fact that they develop urges based on their developmental stage. 

When we provide children with toys that we assume they will like, we may not be meeting their developmental needs. Often toys have a right or wrong way to play with it. It either makes a sound because you push a button, or moves because the batteries make it go, or a shape sorter where you have to know shapes and how to manipulate your hands and fingers to achieve the goal. There is nothing wrong with any of these toys, they certainly keep children entertained and when the right skill set is learnt, they can be great. But let’s look at why children love to climb over to a bookshelf and pull all the books off, only to crawl away and play with something else! Their urge to do this is based on deconstruction. To learn how to construct something, a child must first understand how to deconstruct. Ever made a tower of blocks only for your child to push it over before you get your last one on top? Or worse your older child has spent ages creating an amazing world of magnets or blocks, for their younger sibling to come and knock it to the ground? You would be forgiven for thinking that this is the urge to annoy you! It’s not. Although it could also be cause and effect there is no malice from a child who is still learning. 

Open ended toys are things that have no right or wrong way to be used. They have multiple ways of being played with depending on how you set up the environment. Adding different objects alongside open ended toys gives the child the ability to create their own play and live out their urges. Think of an open container and a basket full of pegs. Add an empty paper towel roll and immediately they are able to post an item down the roll, or fill the container and tip it out again. 

The other response to this question is around why, when there is a toy remote on the floor with full permission to use, your child insists on grabbing the real remote?! It’s simple. They see the real remote in your hand being used. It is no longer static and immobile on the floor. It’s moving around in your hand, making something happen and they are told “no” when they go to grab it.  Now they really want it! Equally when wondering why you can give a child a toy, and they go and take a toy off another child instead. Same concept. The toy in the other child’s hand is moving, it’s alive in their eyes, looks fun and way better than the one you’ve given them. 

Creating a yes environment in your home for a child who is learning to crawl will set you up for less supervision and more observation. Observation is key for knowing what your child is capable of and what they are interested in. Although it can be your first instinct to “baby proof” your home, you can live in harmony while allowing your child to freely explore. This exploration is important to their development. They have an urge to move, to explore, and experiment. Little scientists is often a term you’ll see for children. Climbing under a table or through the legs of a chair can show them about spatial awareness, lots of room on the floor gives them opportunity to get to know their body. Of course a yes environment means removing things that aren’t safe, locking kitchen cupboards where cleaning products are kept and ensuring that furniture is safely anchored to the wall. Lots of communication is important and following up if you do need to say no as to why. Even young babies who are not yet communicating will begin to understand and you are also creating positive habits of communication. Rather than distraction try redirection. If they try to play with something that is not appropriate, show them what they can play with. Yes it takes patience and consistency but it also the beginning of a beautiful relationship that will continue on into the toddler years and beyond. There are always going to be areas within the house that are out of bounds so setting up restrictions in the form of safety gates where pet food or stairs may be for example is creating clear boundaries.

Here is a link to a list that covers urges. Pennie Brownlee is a leader in ECE that has some great  resources that you can look at. She says it like it is! https://penniebrownlee.weebly.com/uploads/1/0/4/3/10437917/urges_list.pdf

Loose parts is another way of offering toys. Rather than a corner full of toys, strategically place baskets of multiple objects that are the same. On a coffee table, at the end of a sofa, behind the couch… anywhere where your little person is likely to explore. Just like when the toys are static and less interesting, so too can a corner of toys be less inviting. Basic household items such as coffee coasters, plastic containers, pegs, fabric, pencil cases with zips… can all be fantastic toys for your child. 

Treasure baskets are a great option for when you have something to do and need baby to be in one spot. Heuristic play is where lots of real life objects are put into a basket. Save this up and bring it out when you need it. Children explore through all their senses, so putting things in their mouth is normal, it is how they learn about the world around them. Make it safe and then let them be. 

The developmental stage of becoming mobile can be scary for new parents, but as with most growth stages it is an important part of your child learning who they are and their place in this world. 

Blog

My personal journey of breastfeeding

6-8 Week Guide

Questions to ask potential childcare centres

Why do children play with anything and everything that isn’t a toy?